Don't Smile

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they are put in a position to perform a task that they would not necessarily choose to perform. Such as: changing a smelly diaper, cleaning toilets, dealing with a septic tank, or maybe picking dog dirt out of the tread of your shoes. Notice the common thread in the examples? They have to do with waste of some form or another. How about human waste; we all have it, we’ve all seen it, and we’ve all had to deal with it. So… why are the tasks associated with waste cloaked with fear and dread?

On your basic RV, you have two tanks; a “grey water” and a “black water” tank. The grey water tank holds the water from the sinks and shower, the black water tank holds, well… whatever you put in the toilet. I’m not sure why they refer to it as black water, but they do. I'm here to tell you there’s nothing quite like the task of dumping the black water tank on an RV. After watching the movie RV with Robin Williams I have to admit I was a little concerned the first time, to say the least.

My first time was in a road side rest area along I-80 in Ohio. Ohio is great. They have RV hookups and dump stations at most of their rest areas along the highway. The task consists of the following steps:

1. Remove the waste hose from inside the back bumper.

2. Remove the cap from the waste port on the RV and attach the hose

3. Open the cover to the dump station and insert the discharge end of the waste hose.

I have to pause for a moment and describe the waste hose. The waste hose is a flexible corrugated plastic pipe about four inches in diameter. At rest, the hose is about 6 to 7 feet long, however it can stretch to 10 to 12 feet or more. This point is key to appreciating the full impact of this story.

4. This is where the fun begins, since there are two tanks there are two valves, open the valve for the black water tank. There is nothing quite like the sight of human waste surging through the previously described waste hose. You have to see it to believe it. The pipe comes to life. It swells, expands, contorts, writhes, and twists, as the tanks drains. The more full the tank, I would later discover, the more lively the hose. This is difficult to describe so the best analogy I can give is that of a snake when you attempt to pin it down (or kill) with the blade of a shovel. I know that anybody that has done this will understand exactly what I am describing.

5. Close the black water valve and open the grey water valve. The theory behind this sequence is that the soapy and cleaner grey water will wash and flush out the waste hose as the grey water tank empties. The grey water doesn’t have quite the same effect in animating the hose.

6. Close the valves, stow the hose… the fun is over.

Why is there fear and dread associated with waste? I believe that it boils down to one simple fact. Nobody wants to touch it or have it touch them. So here is my advice: put on your rubber gloves, keep your lips tight, and enjoy.